Decided that I’ve been too ’safe’ in this blog. I’ve kept it cerebral and avoided the core issues I’m facing in my life and marriage relationship. So, decided to add my journal here, where I vent and/or rant about the swirling feelings I struggle with every waking moment — it’s all intertwined — the chronic pain, the relationship status quo, aging issues. So, here I will talk about things way out of my usual cerebral comfort zone. Maybe in forcing myself to openly express this melange of feelings in a modified stream of consciousness (apologies to James Joyce), maybe I’ll in so doing trigger improved awareness, better thinking and even better behavioral & life choices….here goes
January 13, 2008, 6:30am
New Journal: It’s a New Day!
Following a realization last night (re:Spouse’s[S] long term patterns of falling apart, depression and her usual Borderline Pers. Schtick (now due to our financial situation/adjustment to new location) it came to me that (friend) M’s advice (past) is right, and now is the time for me to follow it –If you’re unhappy OO, if you’re miserable – DO something about it, “Make a Plan”.
Part of my epiphany came in the middle of the night. I realized (again) that for years I had come to live in ways which avoided S’s extreme behaviors and even over time just for her approval without considering my own needs/feelings. In many ways, from the time I resigned my position at __ in 1995 to work with her in her growing business, I realize now that I had almost ceased to be me for so long that I’ve forgotten a lot about myself, so to speak. By 1998 the disappearance of OO was almost complete as I increasingly altered my behaviors to minimize and/or avoid her hormonal flare-ups — which were almost daily by then (and ferocious at that) anything to ease the torrents.
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The plan is now to make a plan; to take charge and decide what to do about my life independent of S’s approval or disapproval. First priority is to increase income somehow. Also, what I’ve been wanting inside has been to be free of the prison of working from home with her all the time – her Obsessive-Compulsiveness (OC) and micro-managing of my behavior make me crazy. Also, my waffling of ‘what I want to do with my life now’ was worsened because of my dysfunctional pattern of avoidance of her pathology at all costs (even my sense of self). To wit, my life has been mostly living, thinking and behaving in ways which will prevent or lessen her mental illness/hormonal symptoms (which are always aimed at me personally and usually very vitriolic, hateful and relentless when they’re going on)
One thing I’m thinking is that it is time for me to re-take my manhood, to find what I must ( and want ) to do, and do it. If I can earn a decent livelihood and become more ‘manly’(hate to use the cliché, but there is substance in it, my need to re-take charge of my own life), perhaps our relationship will heal and I might again have some sort of true intimacy, some sort of love life. If not, with financial independence I can more easily take action to meet those needs, whether it is via separation, or by telling her what I need (and want) and if she won’t accommodate me, then tell her that I’ll seek it (physical intimacy & sexual satisfaction ) outside the marriage. Also, I will find it easier to confront the near constant micro-managing and criticism of moi-meme.
So…the first step is to concretize a plan. Will think on that but first I must do something to make more money NOW. More financial independence will give me more power in the relationship, more flexibility. This is the step I will start with (not to exclusion of other things, but this must be my focus now, to revitalize from within, to retake my locus of control, starting with increasing income via a new job.)
Same day, 8:45A.M.
Focusing on (work task), reminding myself that – when it comes to S actually changing and treating me differently, meeting my needs (at all) — “this train ain’t comin’, in fact, it’s not even on the tracks” – meaning, I will no longer wait for anything to change with S: she’s not going to be sexual with me, she’s not going to talk about it, she’s going to continue to have her extreme swings and outbursts, which will include verbal (usually) attacks against my person, character & upbringing . If I keep reminding myself that “the train aint’ ever gonna stop here”, it may lessen my frustration and stress. (George Carlin’s line “ Can’t get what you want? Change what you want!”) [same day,2:50PM]
Day 2! (Jan 14,2008)
Got up early but felt like going back to bed, weak & sleepy until around 10:30. S was up last night and today as she preps for her trip to (business location). I am trying to remain focused on my need to get work or increase income somehow. I feel a need to distance myself from S, that way when her next attack comes I might be able not to take them so hard. That pattern is deeply engrained over the years so we’ll see. My reminder (affirmation) continues to be: ‘that train ain’t comin’ at all’ — as far as my needs for physical intimacy and sex go.
Struggling with whether or not I’m capable of holding down a full time job, and what sort of job I should look for (could get). With my afib, neuropathy and back pain limiting standing, wonder how I’d do…. Maybe talk to temp agency first.
Interesting shifts in my reactivity to her complaints & criticism today: because I am expecting the mistreatment, and tell myself not to expect better, for some reason my emotions did not rise up like they always do. Mmmmm…maybe the key is changing my expectations of what her behaviors will be, as well as change how I perceive them…another sense though is sadness, sort of like I’ve begun to say goodbye, to separate myself emotionally from her. I think I must do the latter because my allowing myself (inner self) to rise and fall with her cycles has just been wearing me down and out. She’s leaving for a week so that will be great…
