Chronic Pain:Process mini-epiphanies; Meds Log update

1. I trust I’ve made myself obscure.(Sir Thomas More to the King)

Been about 3 weeks since I’ve written here. In that time I continue to find that my neuropathic pain seems to be worsening, but at the same time realizing that I’m not now using the tools I have used in the past to deal with it; those tools being: exercise program!!!!Socialization (less seclusion, go out be with other people, less gazing at ones navel and focusing more on the needs & interests of others.)

This being house-bound is of my own choosing. In doing so I end up moving very little (which worsens the neuropathic as well as the scar tissue & sciatica pain); historically, when I exercised, even minimally, at least a couple times a week my pain management (and depression) were less of a problem.

So…I must continue moving toward this goal. But as changes of this ilk involve my SO, it’s not as simple as just saying “Hey, I’m going to start working out…etc”. It is intertwined with my SO’s present state (ie, with or without BPD episodes).

Note: One thing I’m sorting out is the intricate weave that has been created by my accommodations to the instances of BPD. It is useless to approach it as a ‘blame thing’, for just as one’s perception pain varies with a number of variables in one’s immediate environment (to include self-awareness, or lack thereof, diet, tension, emotional state) so too does the non-Borderline (one who loves someone with Borderline Personality Disorder) bob and weave in multiple and often contradictory responses and interactions. THis makes assigning causality SO difficult.

(Ex: Is my pain worse because I’m depressed or does the worse pain make me more depressed; or, is my pain bad today because I’m angry at my wife, or does my anger filter my perception of the pain differently, making me feel it as worse (when, objectively the neurochemical activity may be the same). Such multiple and cybernetic causality (or, self-regulating systems in negative or positive feedback loop for the Systems or Chaos Theorists out there) tend to drive one to distraction. Sometimes it’s just better to meditate or deep breathe and quiet the inner monologue than to parse all this causation.

Still…it is important to understand all of my own convoluted experiences of the dynamics of chronic pain across all domains of my life(domains being, at least: inner self, relationships, physical choices about diet, activity & self-awareness of body states, breathing etc);

Still, at some point I must better understand this interplay of Self-Mind-Other-Physical Anomalies/Damage/Dysfunction-Pain-Interoception/Exteroceptive* (self-perception of physical activities within one’s own body/perception of all senses to outside world stimulii) . Like other improvements of understanding, this kind of ratiocination (the rambling logician in my head) can help or hinder, depending on when it is done.

The hope is that the awareness with gradual reveal itself. After fighting with the facts & information one can say ‘enough’. At that point, like the Zen student, it all becomes clearer once the left brain has silenced itself.

Ah…but how I ramble. Well, I trust I make myself obscure. smile.=========

* See Jurgen Ruesch & Gregory Bateson for discussions of these epistemological terms; For some of the most seminal thinking of the 20th century, grab Gregory Bateson’s Steps to an Ecology of Mind Wikipedia has a nice list of resources HERE.
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2. Continuing on 75mg [We*lbU trin] & 60mg of C y *mbalt a — while there is a slight hyper feeling, the depression is definitely easier to manage (and much less ‘dark & deep’) with the W&lbutrin(Bupr0pi*on) on top of the C y *mbalt a; the latter by itself helped but not nearly as much as the 2 of them. But…the Bupr0pi*on may be what sometimes cranks up the neuropathy. Will wait & see. At least I can sit here and write at the end of the day.Be care-full out there… OO

More on C*ymbalt a, brief meds log entry

Should note that the Doc upped me to 75mg of the Bupr0pi*on (We1but*rin) and continuing the Cy m&b*alta 60mg. Still struggling with the same ideation described earlier, but now not as often, and mostly when it’s the end of the day and the pain is higher than baseline…I’ve decided to start ‘talk therapy’, and will use it to focus on what I’m beginning to realize is a core issue, more important than just dealing with pain — my relationship with my SO.

This is a big step for me, though it shouldn’t be as I once worked in the mental health field, on the other side of the desk no less, so I of all people should not have worried about the stigma of seeing a ’shrink’. But, as they say, change usually only happens when it hurts enough to motivate you to start the change process. And, I’m going through alot of little epiphanies about something I’ve denied for years — my beloved has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

I thought it was just bad PMS over the years, or just ‘hormonal flux’ when the episodes happened. But they’ve grown more extreme over the years, in particular since the onset of Menopause reaching its nadir in the last year or so. The episodes fit the bill, 9 or 10 out of 10 when compared to the BPD list of behaviors etc. Been using Stop Walking on EggShells and a companion workbook –wow, wish I’d known this 30 years ago!

So…the pain management is even more convoluted now, as I’m co-dependent on my SO, and when she nosedives or acts out (on me) I have an irrational response (until now as I’m starting to understand the patterns and meaning of BPD…I’m reading and realizing so much about how I’ve adapted to accommodate the BPD…all of it not healthy for me.