Well…I’ll spare the random reader the details of all that has happened in the relationship with my SO(significant other) the last few months since the post titled similar to this one (July 30, 2008).
Suffice it to say that some wonderfully positive things happened and the paradigm that was our marriage ended up being shifted, if not transformed. Now it is clear –painfully & embarrassingly all too clear to me –that my perceptions through the lense of chronic depression and chronic pain were central to much of the stuff I was seeing in my SO and labeling as Borderline etc.
Sure, she does have here own faults (who doesn’t?!), but living with a chronically depressed person in constant pain and denial would be sure to test anyone’s mental health, and in her case to bring out a latent problem stemming from childhood traumas. When she is secure in my love then the things I formerly perceived as ‘bad’ were more an expression of her reaction to my chronic pain, depression and associated behaviors etc.
Another thing has happened somewhere: somehow, after the Cymb*lt_a set in it was as if I saw the world (and my wife) clearly for the first time in years. My own behaviors and thinking of the unending ‘depressed period’ are clear to me now. Surely I believe now that as long as I stay on my SNRI, the blaming of my partner for things (in my mind, with the resulting resentments etc) are a thing of the past.
I’m writing this as a reminder to myself, to keep alive my newfound ability to live more in the moment. Also, serendipity would have it that I read “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle at the same time as I had my breakthrough, so have something to help me stay more in the present, no matter what is going on.
So…while I’m tempted to erase things here that I now see were clearly wrong-headed distorted perceptions of mine stemming from my chronic pain and depression, I won’t, so that in the occasional re-read I’ll have a reminder of what life was like pre-medication!
I’m happier than I’ve been since I don’t know when (years & years). In a few months from now I might be able to articulate what has happened in terms of process, to hopefully be helpful to others who may chance upon these pages, but now all I know is that my relationship is as vibrant and open as it was in the very beginning, but with new improved communications and honesty. Prithee that I can stay this course…
The medical realities, pain etc have not changed, but my response and perception of them has, significantly. mmmmm… seems like I’m having to periodically learn the same lesson again…..more later.OO
