Well…I’ll spare the random reader the details of all that has happened in the relationship with my SO(significant other) the last few months since the post titled similar to this one (July 30, 2008).
Suffice it to say that some wonderfully positive things happened and the paradigm that was our marriage ended up being shifted, if not transformed. Now it is clear –painfully & embarrassingly all too clear to me –that my perceptions through the lense of chronic depression and chronic pain were central to much of the stuff I was seeing in my SO and labeling as Borderline etc.
Sure, she does have here own faults (who doesn’t?!), but living with a chronically depressed person in constant pain and denial would be sure to test anyone’s mental health, and in her case to bring out a latent problem stemming from childhood traumas. When she is secure in my love then the things I formerly perceived as ‘bad’ were more an expression of her reaction to my chronic pain, depression and associated behaviors etc.
Another thing has happened somewhere: somehow, after the Cymb*lt_a set in it was as if I saw the world (and my wife) clearly for the first time in years. My own behaviors and thinking of the unending ‘depressed period’ are clear to me now. Surely I believe now that as long as I stay on my SNRI, the blaming of my partner for things (in my mind, with the resulting resentments etc) are a thing of the past.
I’m writing this as a reminder to myself, to keep alive my newfound ability to live more in the moment. Also, serendipity would have it that I read “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle at the same time as I had my breakthrough, so have something to help me stay more in the present, no matter what is going on.
So…while I’m tempted to erase things here that I now see were clearly wrong-headed distorted perceptions of mine stemming from my chronic pain and depression, I won’t, so that in the occasional re-read I’ll have a reminder of what life was like pre-medication!
I’m happier than I’ve been since I don’t know when (years & years). In a few months from now I might be able to articulate what has happened in terms of process, to hopefully be helpful to others who may chance upon these pages, but now all I know is that my relationship is as vibrant and open as it was in the very beginning, but with new improved communications and honesty. Prithee that I can stay this course…
The medical realities, pain etc have not changed, but my response and perception of them has, significantly. mmmmm… seems like I’m having to periodically learn the same lesson again…..more later.OO
5 responses so far ↓
Tracy // November 21, 2008 at 7:57 pm |
I’m glad things are getting better relationally for you. My husband has been suffering from severe chronic headaches for over 7 years and he’s become a completely different person due to the pain, depression, meds and all that I’m sure you know too well goes with chronic pain. My ability to handle things has been diminishing lately, so any insite on what I can do to support him without falling apart myself would be greatly appreciated.
obtuselyoblique1 // November 22, 2008 at 11:43 am |
Tracy: Sorry to hear of your husband’s (and therefore your) long-term battle with pain. I have a number of things I want to share with you, but cannot right now. When things quiet here (simply busy with work) I want to take some time to give a proper response to you. One quick thing though, have you visited healingwell.com? Their forums are wonderful.
Anyway, I’ll be in touch and try hard to take care of your own needs and self as best as you can. Thanks for stopping by my blog, I hope to be of assistance or support if I can.
oo
obtuselyoblique1 // November 25, 2008 at 5:01 pm |
Again, Tracy, sorry to hear of your plight. Believe me, it in some ways is harder to live with a depressed person than to *Be* a depressed person.
As for what I might offer, mostly I have questions:
1. Is your husband seeing a Pain specialist?
2. Is he getting any counseling/therapy for same?
3. Do you have a firm medical diagnosis?Has he done full workups to get to cause of headaches?Depression?
4. What have you tried in the past to be supportive of him? (specifics)
5. What has changed that you now feel your own coping abilities weaken?
6. What supports or outlets do you have for your own feelings etc in dealing with this?
7. Can he talk to you (reasonably on his good days) about the pain and its effect on you and the relationship?
…there are many many more, but I ask them not because I need to hear the answers, but because a good first step is get answers for yourself.
As for insights, here is what I have learned after 22 years of constant pain and depression:
1. The depression — pain and all that goes with it– belong to your husband. It is his problem, and while you can be supportive, it is not your responsibility to ’solve’ the problem. This might sound cold at first, but if you think about it, we really can only change ourselves when you think about it.
2. Until the CPP(chronic pain patient)takes ownership and makes the steps to deal with their pain , there is little others can do.
3. Probably what I think you most need to explore is ways for you to get support for yourself. Remember, in an airplane they always tell mothers to put the oxygen mask on themselves *before* the child — if you aren’t taking care of yourself and the negativity drains you to the point where you can barely function yourself, you won’t be much good to the CPP now will you? [said with a warm smile]
As for some general advice, not knowing your situation, I know that other CPP like myself would agree that you need to nurture yourself, to create outlets (on-line and/or in-person support groups). Also, depending on where things are, I always think that some kind of couples counseling is a good idea as a way to address your life in a threesome: You, your husband and that Rhinoceros on crack in your living room — your husbands pain!! In short, take care of yourself and no matter whether he works with you on it, do it for yourself.
I hope I haven’t been harsh in my tone. I can tend to ramble, so I tried here to condense things, though that can end up sounding like I’ve no compassion. Hope you catch the sentiment in which I’ve offered this.
Take care!
OO
Tracy // November 26, 2008 at 9:49 pm |
Not to worry. You didn’t come across harsh at all! Very insightful, actually. You’ve given me much to think about.
He does see a pain specialist–but all that doctor seems to do is write more prescriptions. He seems to be treating only the pain rather than the whole person. And in my husband’s case, his pain happens to be headaches and it seems that some of the treatments may actually just trigger these severe chronic daily headaches. Actually, his pain doc is out for a while for some surgery–so he’s seeing someone else right now. I hope this interim pain doctor will have some fresh insight.
With a little encouragement–he started seeing a counselor this year. But, I don’t think she’s had many deaings with chronic pain issues. I really do want him to have a good psychiatric workup. It’s hard to tell which came first sometimes–the headaches or the depression.
Which came first for you, do you think? The pain or the depression?
I really appreciate you taking the time to answer my questions. I DO want to support him, but sometimes I don’t feel strong enough. But I’m deteremined to hang on — so it’s good to hear from someone who’s been on his side of this long chronic pain road.
Even though I’m in the health profession, I have a lot of friends/coworkers who have difficulty differentiating (as do I, at times) the drug dependency that goes along with chronic pain from straight up addiction. So, there’s a lot of voices around me telling me just to take care of me and get out of the situation. I even had a professional counselor tell me the same (I haven’t been back to her since). I’ve been trying for a while to take care of myself and take care of him–but sometimes it seems that I can’t do both at the same time…. And I really don’t want to have to choose.
As you can see, I tend to ramble a bit myself. So I’ll end this for now–but thanks again for your insightful words.
In spite of your many years of suffering, I hope you have much to give thanks for in this season!
obtuselyoblique1 // November 28, 2008 at 1:38 pm |
Appreciate hearing from you. A few interesting synchronicities came to mind when I read this:
1. Pain MDs– yes, by all means get a better one. There are 2 kinds of Pain Specialists, I’ve been to both: The most common (because that’s where the money is, given that people want relief, not necessarily a solution imho) are what I call Needle Specialists, they just treat the symptom not the patient and so give drugs an shots. There’s a place for that, but that is a small piece of the puzzle that is chronic pain.
The second type, and the ones which enabled me to fight my way back to having a life are as you say, holistic, also called Systems or multidisciplinary approaches. I went to Temple (Phila) Pain Control Center in 1986 when they were going gangbusters. Since then, the $ seems to have shifted so they are no longer equipped with as many specialties as before.
When I had my outpatient at Temple (1986) I saw: psychiatrist, psychologist, neurologist, physical therapist, behavioral therapists, dietitian and a Social Worker. I also took the MMPI and other psych tests. What I learned after all of it enabled me to slowly set in motion a plan and protocol for living with pain — even thriving with pain.
So…I’d look around for a more holistic/behavioral pain management center, which can work with Dr Needles.
2. The ‘addiction’ issue for CPP:
This topic tends to send me into a bit of a rant, but I’ll try to spare you. The medical profession has become so paranoid in our litigious society that most of the time they UNDER medicate, for fear they’ll be arrested for trafficing. This leads to most CPP suffering needlessly. A friend of mine is a compounding pharmacist and he told me that pain meds regimens should be tailored to the patient in terms of dosage and intervals.
What frustrates me on this is that the medical community has at its disposal tools and protocols for differentiating drug-seeking behaviors from CPP with legitimate need for stronger meds. But fear rules out so most of us suffer as a result. I like to ask people worried about ‘addiction’, whether they feel that a diabetic who needs insulin is ‘addicted’ to it. Of course not…so for those who have serious chronic pain addiction is a moot point– call it what you want, but to be able to relieve pain and live ones life because of taking opiates all the time, well, that seems more important…anyway, sorry for the rant ….
3. Chicken or the egg
Well, looking back on my years as CPP, I now see that there is an interesting path of causality between depression & CP. I found out at age 62 that I have a serious depressive personality and surrendered to it, taking Cymbalta, which is surely the cause of my recent breakthrough in terms of overall happiness (even as the symptoms worsen steadily with age– my coping has changed significantly).
There is, imo, a causal loop (actually a ‘negative feedback loop’ to be technical) between the Depression & the headache (or whatever pain presents). The headache can cause depression, or worsen it, and the depression can lead to the headaches. Once in a serious headache, depression worsens, which worsens the headache, which worsens the depression….etc.
So the solution must be systemic in that etiology may not be that critical in the problem solving phase. Of course, if you have a solid dx say of bi-polar, chronic sever deprssion, or whatever, and treat for that, then if the headaches go away (or ameliorate significantly) then the next step in addressing the CP will be more apparent.
As for self-care vs supporting your husband: yes, would be nice if you didn’t have to choose. However, perhaps if you frame it not as an ‘either-or’ but some kind of balancing act of the 2 needs.
Lastly, yes, much to give thanks for here. The family & grandchildren are constant reminders of the beauty that exists in life, and the need for Hope especially in these dark times.
Take care,
OO