After a good dose of the Doors, while listening to Andrea Bocelli’s Con Te Partiro’ and then Milonga Triste (Tango Lesson, the movie & CD)as I tapped away at work-related tasks tonight (I have a random selection from all my music, like to surprise myself)– I had a minor clarity (few shades light of an epiphany): The slight illumination has to do with both the long-term relationship with my SO (significant other) and at the same time with the mechanisms I’ve created for myself to do 2 things: 1. suppress my awareness of my chronic pain, and, 2. Suppress feelings in general as to do so is a safer way to live with someone who is mentally ill(bi-polar?) and prone to savage swings, verbal abuse (and some physical over the years)every couple of days. The ‘good days’ she’s great, the girl I fell in love with…but on the bad days…
It appears that applying the suppression skill to non-pain issues has not been a good idea…no, it’s been a veryBAD idea for me.
In the avoidance dance I gradually over the years let my Self slip away. Looking back at decisions, large & small, personal and professional, an oppressive sadness slides over me:
I’ve not been true to my own inner self, and now at this age (61) so many things cannot be revisited… but, I need to reflect some more, and attempt to go into my sadness a bit more…see what happens. I must do this if I am to keep on living. The numbness is some ways is worse than the heaviness of the depression…so, stepping away from the keyboard for a time, to percolate all this slowly.
