Ride that tiger: Reflections on inner process of life with pain

Found this buried in an old cc of the blog on the other server. I re-post it because it speaks to the inner processes of the mind when pain (physical,mental or emotional) clouds one’s thinking. This was BEFORE anti-depr meds I think.oo

Dated November 2006:

A cloud of silence seems to have settled over me. While it’s true that the clouds of a snowstorm have descended as well, it’s more that the neuropathy side of the pain has progressively worsened, and with it the depression seems worse than usual. I guess that a snow storm, sleet and cold weather don’t help either. The pattern is that by late afternoon the darker thoughts begin their intrusion, increasing in their volume and frequency as the evening progresses. By bedtime the appeal of not waking somehow in the morning is quite strong. I have too many who love me to initiate my own death, but that doesn’t stop me from asking God each night to take me back — I’m done already! I just need a break from this pain which affects almost all of my body now.

But then, the next morning (after the first hour which is sort of like sea water in the eyes for an hour or so until I adjust to the pain) I jump back into the responsibilities of my life, getting busy so I don’t focus on the screams of my nerve endings.

The funny (strange) thing is that shortly after I went to the trouble to set up this blog I came to a point where words felt like a waste of time. That even talking about all this was a waste. Also, feeling a sort of agoraphobia, of not wanting to be in the company of people; not fearful, but something else I can’t quite articulate. But for now I must get back to subsistence activities…