Epiphanies, Love Resurrected and the role of depression, cont’d

Well…I’ll spare the random reader the details of all that has happened in the relationship with my SO(significant other) the last few months since the post titled similar to this one (July 30, 2008).

Suffice it to say that some wonderfully positive things happened and the paradigm that was our marriage ended up being shifted, if not transformed. Now it is clear –painfully & embarrassingly all too clear to me –that my perceptions through the lense of chronic depression and chronic pain were central to much of the stuff I was seeing in my SO and labeling as Borderline etc.

Sure, she does have here own faults (who doesn’t?!), but living with a chronically depressed person in constant pain and denial would be sure to test anyone’s mental health, and in her case to bring out a latent problem stemming from childhood traumas. When she is secure in my love then the things I formerly perceived as ‘bad’ were more an expression of her reaction to my chronic pain, depression and associated behaviors etc.

Another thing has happened somewhere: somehow, after the Cymb*lt_a set in it was as if I saw the world (and my wife) clearly for the first time in  years. My own behaviors and thinking of the unending ‘depressed  period’ are clear to me now. Surely I believe now that as long as I stay on my SNRI, the blaming of my partner for things (in my mind, with the resulting resentments etc) are a thing of the past.

I’m writing this as a reminder to myself, to keep alive my newfound ability to live more in the moment. Also, serendipity would have it that I read “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle at the same time as I had my breakthrough, so have something to help me stay more in the present, no matter what is going on.

So…while I’m tempted to erase things here that I now see were clearly wrong-headed distorted perceptions of mine stemming from my chronic pain and depression, I won’t, so that in the occasional re-read I’ll have a reminder of what life was like pre-medication!

I’m happier than I’ve been since I don’t know when (years & years). In a few months from now I might be able to articulate what has happened in terms of process, to hopefully be helpful to others who may chance upon these pages, but now all I know is that my relationship is as vibrant and open as it was in the very beginning, but with new improved communications and honesty. Prithee that I can stay this course…

The medical realities, pain etc have not changed, but my response and perception of them has, significantly. mmmmm… seems like I’m having to periodically learn the same lesson again…..more later.OO

Marriage on the rocks, Mr Chronic Pain seems at the core of it

Been silent because I’ve been trying to manage my SO’s having finally had enough of all my depression, symptoms, inability to work etc etc etc. Hasn’t spoken to me is about 2 weeks (which is amazing as normally I can’t shut her up during even 1 day).[edited out by oo, see later updates; what was here was not worth keeping so I took it out]

WelbYOUtrin & C ymb*lta bad together for this guy

Haven’t felt like posting as I added a heavy duty headache to the litany of thing to cope with. Long story short,turns out that the addition of the WelB YOU trin (I write like this so my blog doesn’t get marked as a spam site btw) to the C ymb*lt_a caused MAJOR hyperactivity and tension, which took up residence in my jaw, neck and head. {look under “SNRI Anti-depressants“in wikipedia or google to learn about these newer meds}

Aside from a major pity party I threw for myself [self-deprecating humor] — which of course only made it worse I then tried all the usual, self-hypnosis, deep breathing, stretches etc (even took a muscle-relaxant)– none of which could relax it. Finally went to VA ECU. After quite a bit to do at the VA, the docs agreed that I had to stop the Well byou Trin asap. Gave me some sort of shot (antiinflammatory) and then PO 600mg ibuprofen for next day or so — then it finally went away. Sheesh, made me almost appreciative for the neuropathy and even the sciatica, which I’ve learned how to do alot with. The headache thing rendered me pretty much worthless and horizontal.

Anyway, now that I’m back in the flow of things I’m catching up on all the stuff I didn’t do when the headache from hell hit…it wasn’t migraine but I think it gave me sympathy for what Migraine sufferers go through. But, pain is so subjective anyway.

What’s in a name?

I got a message asking how I came up with my pseudonym, Obtusely Oblique. Well, if you’ve read some of my posts, it should be obvious, but I may as well explain: As a person with a philosophical bent, and a history as a monk, where scholarship is often deep if arcane, I do tend to ramble around a topic, but more often seem to take a tack on topics which are, well, obtuse. Also, I used to write book reviews for a magazine. The editor would send me a pile of books and I’d write reviews. After I published a good number of them he commented that I was the most ‘obtuse’ of his reviewers. The comment stuck with me as I’d not thought of it that way. The oblique part means coming at things from an unusual angle…so FWIW, that’s where the a.k.a. came from.

Progress on some fronts, regression on another…

3 steps forward, 2 back….as they saying goes. The combo of meds (referred to elsewhere in disguised fashion so as not to offend the googlebot) is about 6 weeks now and a DEFinite improvement in all the heavy depression and crazy,violent and suicidal ideation. It’s a relief not to have to fight them off.

And, learned that my diagnosis is “Major Depressive Disorder” (don’t know the DSM code#). Turns out, I’ve been this way all my life! Who knew ;}?! (well, I did, but self medicated with alcohol, pot when I was younger and most often with being extremely busy almost in an OC way… Pretty heavy thing to realize at this late stage of life..but I feel relieved as this explains So many things in my life’s history.

Life with the SO continues to be rollercoaster. Don’tfeel like writing now, but it’s been a rough month on that front, even as my pain levels got a little better and my depression lightened up. more later…

Chronic Pain:Process mini-epiphanies; Meds Log update

1. I trust I’ve made myself obscure.(Sir Thomas More to the King)

Been about 3 weeks since I’ve written here. In that time I continue to find that my neuropathic pain seems to be worsening, but at the same time realizing that I’m not now using the tools I have used in the past to deal with it; those tools being: exercise program!!!!Socialization (less seclusion, go out be with other people, less gazing at ones navel and focusing more on the needs & interests of others.)

This being house-bound is of my own choosing. In doing so I end up moving very little (which worsens the neuropathic as well as the scar tissue & sciatica pain); historically, when I exercised, even minimally, at least a couple times a week my pain management (and depression) were less of a problem.

So…I must continue moving toward this goal. But as changes of this ilk involve my SO, it’s not as simple as just saying “Hey, I’m going to start working out…etc”. It is intertwined with my SO’s present state (ie, with or without BPD episodes).

Note: One thing I’m sorting out is the intricate weave that has been created by my accommodations to the instances of BPD. It is useless to approach it as a ‘blame thing’, for just as one’s perception pain varies with a number of variables in one’s immediate environment (to include self-awareness, or lack thereof, diet, tension, emotional state) so too does the non-Borderline (one who loves someone with Borderline Personality Disorder) bob and weave in multiple and often contradictory responses and interactions. THis makes assigning causality SO difficult.

(Ex: Is my pain worse because I’m depressed or does the worse pain make me more depressed; or, is my pain bad today because I’m angry at my wife, or does my anger filter my perception of the pain differently, making me feel it as worse (when, objectively the neurochemical activity may be the same). Such multiple and cybernetic causality (or, self-regulating systems in negative or positive feedback loop for the Systems or Chaos Theorists out there) tend to drive one to distraction. Sometimes it’s just better to meditate or deep breathe and quiet the inner monologue than to parse all this causation.

Still…it is important to understand all of my own convoluted experiences of the dynamics of chronic pain across all domains of my life(domains being, at least: inner self, relationships, physical choices about diet, activity & self-awareness of body states, breathing etc);

Still, at some point I must better understand this interplay of Self-Mind-Other-Physical Anomalies/Damage/Dysfunction-Pain-Interoception/Exteroceptive* (self-perception of physical activities within one’s own body/perception of all senses to outside world stimulii) . Like other improvements of understanding, this kind of ratiocination (the rambling logician in my head) can help or hinder, depending on when it is done.

The hope is that the awareness with gradual reveal itself. After fighting with the facts & information one can say ‘enough’. At that point, like the Zen student, it all becomes clearer once the left brain has silenced itself.

Ah…but how I ramble. Well, I trust I make myself obscure. smile.=========

* See Jurgen Ruesch & Gregory Bateson for discussions of these epistemological terms; For some of the most seminal thinking of the 20th century, grab Gregory Bateson’s Steps to an Ecology of Mind Wikipedia has a nice list of resources HERE.
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2. Continuing on 75mg [We*lbU trin] & 60mg of C y *mbalt a — while there is a slight hyper feeling, the depression is definitely easier to manage (and much less ‘dark & deep’) with the W&lbutrin(Bupr0pi*on) on top of the C y *mbalt a; the latter by itself helped but not nearly as much as the 2 of them. But…the Bupr0pi*on may be what sometimes cranks up the neuropathy. Will wait & see. At least I can sit here and write at the end of the day.Be care-full out there… OO

More on C*ymbalt a, brief meds log entry

Should note that the Doc upped me to 75mg of the Bupr0pi*on (We1but*rin) and continuing the Cy m&b*alta 60mg. Still struggling with the same ideation described earlier, but now not as often, and mostly when it’s the end of the day and the pain is higher than baseline…I’ve decided to start ‘talk therapy’, and will use it to focus on what I’m beginning to realize is a core issue, more important than just dealing with pain — my relationship with my SO.

This is a big step for me, though it shouldn’t be as I once worked in the mental health field, on the other side of the desk no less, so I of all people should not have worried about the stigma of seeing a ’shrink’. But, as they say, change usually only happens when it hurts enough to motivate you to start the change process. And, I’m going through alot of little epiphanies about something I’ve denied for years — my beloved has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

I thought it was just bad PMS over the years, or just ‘hormonal flux’ when the episodes happened. But they’ve grown more extreme over the years, in particular since the onset of Menopause reaching its nadir in the last year or so. The episodes fit the bill, 9 or 10 out of 10 when compared to the BPD list of behaviors etc. Been using Stop Walking on EggShells and a companion workbook –wow, wish I’d known this 30 years ago!

So…the pain management is even more convoluted now, as I’m co-dependent on my SO, and when she nosedives or acts out (on me) I have an irrational response (until now as I’m starting to understand the patterns and meaning of BPD…I’m reading and realizing so much about how I’ve adapted to accommodate the BPD…all of it not healthy for me.

Sigh…meds update C*ymbalt a & Now W3lbutr*n

Well, still having far too much dark & suicidal ideati0n (not the kind I’d even remotely act on, just keep popping into my head…) so after a long consult with VA psychiatrist(I’m so impressed with him, and VA care in general) he said I should try a tiny dose half a tab (37.5mg) of B upr*pion (generic W3lbutr*n). We shall see.

The sciatica has continued to be way above it’s normal baseline, which has me more t’d off than anything. Interrupting sleep more than usual, harder to ignore…. sigh, the struggle without an end…

Sigh…meds update C*ymbalt a & Now W3lbutr*n

Well, still having far too much dark & suicidal ideati0n (not the kind I’d even remotely act on, just keep popping into my head…) so after a long consult with VA psychiatrist(I’m so impressed with him, and VA care in general) he said I should try a tiny dose half a tab (37.5mg) of B upr*pion (generic W3lbutr*n). We shall see.

The sciatica has continued to be way above it’s normal baseline, which has me more t’d off than anything. Interrupting sleep more than usual, harder to ignore…. sigh, the struggle without an end…

Ah, the joys of Sciatica…

Well, out of the blue the sciatica down the left side has acted up again with vigor.It’s been a number of years since it got this bad. Trying to examine all the usual triggers in my ’system’:Is it…diet?heavy lifting episode?Stress?Too much coffee or alcohol?Long uninterrupted sitting, standing or walking?Suppressed (or repressed) anger?Failure to relax? Well, the answer is ‘no’, except maybe to the  anger thing (got angry at the wife the other day), but hardly a true triggerbased on past experiences.

This sciatica is not — I pray — the sign of some structural or tissue shift. It does lessen with prone rest, but sometimes still can wake me at night…argh.

In the first few years of my journey with chronic pain such a development would have set me into a crisis. I would be tensing up, stressing out, probably taking more meds etc and end up making all the pain types worsen (there’s sciatica, shooting localized pain, burning pain and neuropathy from hips down). Maybe I’m just older, or maybe wiser (I hope the latter). But still, I confess to some anxiety were it to turn out that something structural was going on…will wait & see.